Orlando Furioso, Canto XXVIII

It’s now time for a sexy story, but before Ariosto tells the sexy story he advises his women readers to skip ahead a few pages as the whole thing is slanderous garbage not meant for their ears. 

You can do as you wish.

To refresh, Rodomonte had his heart broken by Doralice and abandoned his king and cause. He wandered a bit and then he reached an inn where the landlord learned the cause of his problem and said let me tell you a story.

“What could please me more 

At present than to hear an anecdote 

Which will confirm the view I held before”

This story is about guys named Astolfo, Fausto, and Giocondo. Astolfo is a king. Fausto is his friend and Giocondo is Fausto’s brothers. 

One day Astolfo is admiring himself in the mirror, saying how he has to be the handsomest guy in the world, and his beloved friend Fausto says “Well, you’re really handsome but you’re not as handsome as my brother Giocondo.” Astolfo then says, “Oh yeah, go fetch him.” 

So off Fausto rides to his brother’s castle, where his brother refuses to go back with him. 

Giocondo’s married and loves his wife and wants to spend all the time with her. Fausto begs and eventually Giocondo agrees and his wife sheds many tears. His wife says here take this jeweled crucifix and keep it with you always. Giocondo takes it but then after spending his last night with his wife he forgets the crucifix at home. He goes back to get it and of course when he does he finds his wife asleep in a heap with her spent young lover. Giocondo slinks away too ashamed to wake them, but now he’s all sad and sickly and not the good looking guy he was. Fausto notices and sends word to the king saying, “Listen I know I said my brother is the most handsome guy but something’s happened to him and he looks all sad and ugly now, please don’t think I’m crazy.” Astolfo takes this in stride and when Fausto and Giocondo arrive, the king has Giocondo put up in luxury and seen by doctors. But Giocondo refuses to explain what happened to him and mopes around the castle. 

While on one of these mopes he hears some strange sounds and upon investigating he finds a crack in the wall from which he can spy on the queen doing the sexy with her deformed lover. The sight cheers him up immediately, because by his reckoning at least his wife cheated on him with a handsome guy and not some misshapen dwarf. 

Astolfo notices the change over Giocondo and demands an explanation. Giocondo hems and haws but finally says okay I’ll show you, but no matter what you see you can’t punish anyone involved. The king agrees and off they go to spy on the queen. Astolfo nearly goes mad. The two promptly damn the female gender, but then relent and say well, what’s the point of staying virtuous then? So off they go on one of those Eurosex tours that requires disguises and what not.  They say they’re looking for a virtuous woman, but really they’re humping everything that offers itself. At last they tire of this and hatch upon the idea that a wife can only be satisfied by two husbands so they purchase a teenage bride in Spain and share her between themselves. 

They think this is great and all their problems solved. But the girl, Fiammetta, had a lover, Greco, of her own before these guys and when chance reunites them, this lover wants to sleep with Fiammetta himself. She’s like that’s impossible, and the guy’s like no it’s not, just wait until tonight. Night comes. Astolfo and Giocondo are in bed with the girl between them. In slinks Greco silent as a gecko, under the covers from the foot of the bed between Fiametta’s legs and commences with the sexy. 

All. 

Night. 

Long. 

Then as dawn approaches he slinks back out. 

When morning comes Astolfo and Giocondo each think the other was doing the deed, and are complimentary in their appraisal, but both deny sleeping with Fiammetta. Puzzled, they ask her and she breaks down in tears and explains everything. Astolfo and Giocondo nearly die from laughing, give the girl a dowry, and set Greco up to marry her. They then go back home where they live happily ever after with their wives. 

The End. 

Once done one of the bar patrons stands up and comes to the defense of women kind. Rodomonte doesn’t give a damn and rides off. He wants to get back to Africa but on the way he comes upon a lovely abandoned church and thinks, Gee that would make a nice home. 

And that’s what he does, park himself in this church where he can watch the road. And what does he eventually see coming down the road? A beautiful maiden and an old monk riding along escorting a coffin. That’s right, it’s Isabella from Canto XXIV escorting the dead body of her beloved Zerbino before going off to join a convent. 

Rodomonte rides down and asks where they’re going and why. When he hears Isabella’s plan he says that’s dumb and she should enjoy life. The monk takes umbrage and does the diatribe. Rodomonte takes umbrage to the monk’s umbrage and falls upon the old man. At which point Ariosto stops lest his words cause umbrage by exceeding what is acceptable.

But that’s a ship that’s long gone.     

CANTO SCORE CARD

Knights: Rodomonte, King Astolfo, Fausto, Giocondo, a dead Zerbino

Commoners: Fiametta and Greco 

Damsels: Isabella