“For what is love but madness after all”

Welcome to Orlando Furioso, Part 2. 

We’ve come a long way, but have further still to go. Come on!

Ariosto didn’t intend his epic to be split into two parts, but publishing wants what publishing wants. This volume has a whole new dramatis personae. Oh boy!  

When we last saw Orlando he was running wild smashing things. When we return to him now he’s still doing it. Knocking down trees. Smashing rocks. Sullying rivers. Eating animals raw, innards and all. The shepherds don’t much like that and try to stop him, but he just attacks them, killing one and using the corpse as a weapon to kill the others. Soon the whole landscape is up in arms against Orlando and marching against him. But Orlando don’t give a sh**. He’s like a honey badger. You come at him. He comes at you. And he’s impervious to weapons except on the soles of his feet or something. He slaughters many, wanders far, reaches a bridge, and there Ariosto leaves him for Zerbino.

Zerbino and Isabella ride along and find a trio of knights in the woods. It’s actually two knights and a third kept prisoner. Both Orlando and Isabella know them. The prisoner is Odorico, the guy Zerbino left Isabella with and who promptly tried to assault her. I think this happened in a canto we read, but I’m too tired to look it up. The other two guys are Corebo and Almonio, Zerbino’s other pals. They explain how they captured Odorico and were bringing him to face justice. But now that Zerbino’s there, they can give the miscreant over to him for judgment. 

Odorico promptly begs for his life. Zerbino listens, but knows only death will right the wrong done. Still for friendship’s sake he stays his hand. Then, as if sent by God to deliver him from this decision, a horse and rider appears. Who can this be who will solve all his problems? Why it’s none other than Grabina, our favorite evil crone! They catch her horse and drag her down. By rights Zerbino should punish both, but instead he gives them to each other. He makes Odorico pledge to protect Gabrina for a year just as Marfisa made Zerbino pledge. Odorico accepts and rides away with Gabrina, and out of the story they go! Ariosto can’t say what happens to them, but he read a story in a book that killed Odorico killed Gabrina a day later and then Almonio killed Odorico. But it’s a story he heard and can’t say whether it’s true or not. 

Goodbye, Gabrina! You will always be my #1 meanie. 

All that done, Zerbino sends Almonio and Corebo away and continues on (with Isabella) looking for either Orlando or Mandricard. Soon they come upon the devastated landscape left by Orlando’s passage and find his horse, armor, and weapons. They gather it all up and put a sign over it saying don’t touch property of Orlando. Then Fiordiligi arrives. Who’s she? She’s Brandimarte’s wife. Who’s Brandimarte? He’s a knight, Orlando’s best friend gone to in search of him, and most recently seen as prisoner in the knight motel. This all happened in Canto whatever. Really, people, try to keep up!

Fiordiligi rides up all weepy because she’s been searching for her husband for months. (He’s actually back in Paris by now according to Ariosto.) I suspect she and Brandimarte are to be another pair of tragic lovers in this story. She recognizes all Orlando’s gear and fears what must have happened, but before she can do anything up rides Mandricard and Doralice. He asks what’s going on and whose stuff is all this? Zerbino explains it’s Orlando’s, and Mandricard says well, Orlando stole my dad’s sword so I’ll be taking it back now and if Orlando wants it back he can come find me. And Zerbino’s like the hell you will. And Mandricard takes the sword and says come and stop me. 

So before long the two are duelling and I will tell you true: this is actually a great bit. 

Both knights have been set up as interesting characters over multiple cantos, and the fight is depicted in heaps of the swordporn of smoting and smiting. Lances shatter. Horses die. The damsels look on awestruck and afraid. At last, Mandricard wounds Zerbino so savagely, Isabella screams at Doralice to do something. Doralice implores Mandricard to show mercy. He does and leaves with Doralice. Fiordiligi also leaves. But what of Zerbino?

He dies!

First, Isabella urges him off his horse. Then he lies in the grass and the two share sweet words and weep together. Isabella says she’ll kill herself right after Zerbino dies and maybe some pious folk will come by and bury their bodies together. More weeping, then Zerbino dies and Isabella prepares to kill herself when a hermit appears. He talks her back from the brink and convinces her to join a convent. He says he knows just the one and will take her there. And for once the hermit seems all right. He doesn’t try to rape Isabella. He has a casket made for Zerbino. They then ride south through the devastated countryside where a knight appears and insults them. But enough about them. What about Mandricard?

Doralice and he ride away straight into Rodomonte. To remind you, Doralice was betrothed to Rodomonte before Mandricard “seduced” her. Soon another duel begins and this one is like a storm. More horses die. It looks bad for Mandricard, when up rides an envoy from Agramant, the Saracen King. Agramant needs them both back with the army to defeat the French. So Rodomonte and Mandricard swear an oath before Doralice to call a truce to their strife until the war is ended, and off to Paris they ride.    

Until next time!

CANTO SCORE CARD

Knights: Orlando, Zerbino, Odorico, Corebo, Almonio, Mandricard, Rodomonte       

Mages: 0  

Damsels: Isabella, Gabrina, Fiordiligi, Doralice     

Horses: Brigliadoro (Orlando’s horse) 

Swords: Durindana

Monsters: Orlando

Magic Items: Mostly magic armor

This is it. 

This is the canto.

The canto where Orlando sees a thing he shouldn’t see and goes completely, as the picture above shows, Furioso.

How’s it happen? 

Well, pull up a chair and I’ll tell you…

… but first, Ariosto needs to talk a bit more about that bastard Pinabello and his bastard dad Anselmo. He’s a jerk through and through: cowardly, dishonorable, and just all around awful. And that’s why it was great that Bradamante killed Pinabel dead. That done she goes back to find Ruggiero, only he’s long ridden off, so she sets up camp, admires the stars, and heaves many long sighs. She blames herself for losing her love. In the morning she goes back to where the Knight Motel stood. She finds Astolfo there and he’s happy to see her because now he can give her his horse Rabicano and fly away on the hippogriff. Zip… he goes and Bradamante goes on in search of Ruggiero. 

She wanders about until she sees a castle. This she recognizes as the place where her mother lives and she’s happy-sad to see it. Happy to have a place to rest. Sad because she knows if she goes there everyone will try and get her to stay and forget Ruggiero. So, she turns her back on safety and is about to ride on her way when her brother, Alard of the Unfortunate Name, appears. Well, now she can’t leave and she goes to the castle where she is compelled to stay longer than she would like. So she finds one of her maids (Ippalca) and puts her on Ruggiero’s horse, Frontino, to meet Ruggiero at the agreed place and tell him that she will be there as soon as she can.   

Ippalca sets off and after a bit bumps into Rodomonte on the road. He’s like “Nice horse” and Ippalca’s like “It is and it belongs to a knight better than you.” Rodomonte’s then like “Oh yeah? Who?” and Ippalca says “Ruggiero” and Rodomonte’s like “Well, if he’s as tough as you say he can get the horse from me.” And so he hops on Frontino and bears the horse and a screaming Ippalca away with him. 

But, enough of that… back to Zerbino and Gabrina. 

They’ve discovered Pinabell’s body and wonder who he was and why he died. Zerbino’s says he’ll ride off to see what information he can gather. Gabrina’s left with the body, which she promptly loots for all its jeweled finery. Zerbino comes back with no answers but sees a castle nearby. It’s Altaripa where Anselmo, Pinabell’s dad, lives. When they get there everyone is having a sad because Pinabell is dead. Anselmo says he’ll pay a reward to anyone who can tell him who killed his son. Gabrina promptly connives an audience with Anselmo and shows her the jewels she looted and tells him how Zerbino did the deed. Forthwith Zerbino gets tossed in prison to await execution, but that doesn’t happen. What happens is when the people take Zerbino to the forest for dismemberment, Orlando shows up with Isabella (Zerbino’s girlfriend). She implores Orlando to save Zerbino and so that’s what he does. Out comes Durindana and with it the stabby-stabby. That done, he frees Zerbino. 

At first Zerbino is delighted to see Isabella, but then he remembers all the talk Gabrina fed him (she was alone in a cave with twenty dudes!) But Orlando tells him all that was the hag’s lies and he was there and relays the truth of it. Fears dismissed, the two lovers give great thanks, but this gets cut short because Mandricardo shows up and he’s been itching for a fight with Orlando. 

Boasts and challenges ensue. Glances rake the other up and down. Swords get talked about. At last the joust begins. Lances shatter. Spears break. By the end the two are whacking at each other with sticks like peasants arguing in a ditch (good one, Ariosto!).

 Mandricardo then tries to use some wrestling move on Orlando, but Orlando doesn’t yield. In fact Mandricardo strains so hard he busts his bridle, spooking his horse and sending it and himself atop it fleeing into the woods. Doralice rides after him. She offers to give him her bridle, but he’s like “you’re a girl.” Fortunately, Gabrina appears. Her plan gone to shit, she’s taken off in search of safety. Mandricardo has no problem taking her bridle since she’s ugly and old, so that he does, and everyone’s happy. Except Gabrina who is sent through the woods now on an uncontrollable horse. 

Meanwhile, Orlando’s been waiting for Mandricard to return, but the pagan hasn’t come back. He rides off in search of him, leaving Zerbino and Isabella behind. 

Off he rides through the forest. 

Riding. Riding. Riding. Lazy cattle loll about. The wind whispers by on a gentle breeze. But lo, what’s this? Some letters carved on a tree. Names, twined around each other with hearts and lovers knots. And whose names? None other than Angelica’s and Medoro’s. 

Dafuq, Orlando says and he starts trying to figure out some explanation. But there’s none coming. But, still, maybe it’s some other people, so he rides on until he finds… a cave. And this cave is covered in writing and verses and it’s all about how great their sexy times were together, and yeah, isn’t cool that a common born bisexual mercenary like me, Medoro, gets to do the sexy with Angelica, the beautiful virgin (up until now *wink*) princess from Cathay.

Kaboom! goes Orlando’s wits right then and there. He reads and rereads the words. Each time his sanity and wits flee further. Swooning ensues. Sorrows flood his bosom. Nothing makes sense any more. And yet, he can’t bring himself to believe it’s true. Maybe it was written as a slander. He staggers along until he finds the shepherd who housed Medoro and Angelica. Orlando asks them what they know, and they, not knowing what they’re doing, fill him in on everything. 

Yes, it was that Angelica. Yes, Medoro is a common-born mercenary. Yes, they did the sexy. Yes, they did it a lot. Yes, they liked it.

And that’s the last ax blow to Orlando’s wits. He flees in tears, throws himself down on the grass, realizes Angelica and Medoro probably did it right there. He screams. He wails. He uproots trees and smashes every stone in the cave. He sullies the fair water of the stream and throws off armor and weapons. 

Goodbye, Durindana! Goodbye, wits! 

Hello, horrendous madness!

Hello… Furioso!

CANTO SCORE CARD

Knights: Pinabello the Awful (RIP), Anselmo (Pinabello’s awful dad), Bradamante, Ruggiero, Astolfo, Alard younger brother to Bradamante, Rodomonte, Zerbino, Orlando      

Mages: 0 

Damsels: Bradamante’s mom Beatrice, Bradamante’s nurse Callitrefia, Bradamante’s errand girl Ippalca, Doralice, Isabella  

Horses: Rabicano, Frontino, 

Swords: Durindana

Monsters: Gabrina the Hag, the hippogriff

Magic Items: some mentioned, none used

Another week. Another canto. This one brings back some of that weirdness. Also… it has Sword Lesbians!

We start with Medoro and Cloriando in running in the woods. Cloriando is far ahead, while Medoro is struggling to catch-up because he’s carrying Darindello’s body. Close behind are Zerbino and his rowdy Scotsmen. They corner Medoro in a clearing, where he drops the body and prepares to defend it with his life. Hearing the tumult behind himself, Cloriando returns stealthily. He sees Medoro’s about to get killed so he starts shooting arrows into the Scots. Zerbino then goes to kill Medoro, but can’t because the boy is just too beautiful. Medoro begs that he may at least bury his king before he dies. Zerbino’s moved by the boy’s loyalty and ready to allow the boy his wish. But an uncouth Scotsmen steps up and stabs Medoro. Cloriando sees this, leaps out of hiding and starts doing the stabby. Unfortunately, he’s outnumbered and the stabby gets done to him and he dies beside his friends. The Scots ride away, leaving Medoro to bleed out. 

But he doesn’t bleed out, because a shepherdess comes traipsing through the woods. Only it’s not a shepherdess. It’s Angelica in disguise! 

She comes upon the scene and is moved by the sight of the dying boy. In fact, that wee bastard Cupid’s shown up here because he thinks it’s time Angelica quits being such a virgin tease. PEW goes Cupid’s arrow straight to Angelica’s heart. She’s like I need to save this boy-guy. (I think they’re both like 16 and it might be like only the second age appropriate relationship in this meshugganah book so far.) Healed a bit, he does his duty by his friends and buries them. Then he and Angelica ride off. 

Angelica’s been hiding in the woods with an old shepherd and his family. She takes Medoro back to the hut, and before long they’re doing the sexy. 

She lets Medoro pluck the morning rose 

Which no despoiling hand had ever touched; 

No one so fortunate that garden knows, 

No one its virgin flowerbeds has smutched.

The two are inseparable after that (for now? Angelica is described as the “tragic” heroine of the story… so good luck Medoro! Smutch that flowerbed which you can!) One fun thing they like to do is wander around the woods carving their names surrounded by hearts in trees. After much smutching, Angelica says she wants to go back home to India. Yeah, Angelica is Asian and Medoro is African but you’d never guess that from any of the artworks inspired by these two.* They set out for Spain where they will take ship for the east, but as they near the port they come upon a mad man who leaps towards them ready to attack.

But enough about those two. 

Let’s see how Asolfo, Marfisa, and friends are doing.

Last we left them, they were on board a ship making their way for Europe. But lo, a storm struck them and for a good bit I was ready for them to have some kind of underwater adventure. After three days the storm lets up and after some competent sailing, the ship hobbles towards a port. Except the captain recognizes the place and wants nothing to do with it. Why? The knights ask. Because Lesbians the Captain says. Although I think Ariosto calls them Amazons even though they are in Syria. They hate men and either kill or enslave them, unless they can survive the challenge. It’s some real death by bumwah shit!

All prisoners were killed, or must remain 

As slaves; and freedom only he could boast 

Who of the captive males could vanquish ten; 

And further labor too was his that night: 

Ten women he must serve for their delight.

The penalty for failure in either test is death!

Well, the knights hear this. Kill ten guys. Smutch ten ladies. They think it sounds great and command the captain put into port. The ship lands. Astolfo doesn’t play around and gives a loud toot with his horn. The Lesbians approach. Their leader, an old crone, walks up and makes the usual challenge. Outdo ten men. Satisfy ten women. Which of you knights is man enough to accept. 

Marfisa and the boys gather round and decide to draw lots for who will be the one to accept the challenge, and the boys are like but how are you going to satisfy any women Marfisa, and she’s like let me worry about that. So they draw lots and of course Marfisa wins. 

Needless to say my prurient interests have started paying close attention. Is a maci sex-toy going to show up? I don’t think one will, but if there ever was a 15th century story that had a magical sex-toy this would be it!

All go to the arena where the Lesbians pack in eager to watch the killing. Marfisa rides in and no one knows she’s a woman, because her armor was forged in Hell and tempered by Avernus and has a helm like this.

Carnage ensues. 

The first nine men Marfisa defeats easily enough, but the last, a knight all in black, has hung back believing it not chivalric to fight in anything less than single combat. 

Now alone together, the two start to size each other up. Marfisa’s tired and the black knights suggests they halt until the next day. Marfisa says no, and the two engage. Crash. Bam. Lances the size of pine trees gets shattered. But neither has been outdone. They switch to swords. Slash. Clang. Still neither yields. At last the sun goes down and it’s too dark to keep fighting. Marfisa and the Black Knight end their fight for the night. The Black Knight invites everyone back to his place, because he’s come to respect Marfisa that much. All the knights agree and away they go. 

Once settled in, Marfisa takes off her helmet and the Black Knight’s like “You’re a lady!” Then he takes off his helmet, and Marfisa’s like “You’re just an 18-year old boy!” 

Marfisa asks for his name and story, and he says…

… a name Ariosto will tell us in the next canto. 

Until then!

* Ariosto does talk about how white and blond these two are, so it’s an eye-roll from the source.

CANTO SCORE CARD

Knights: Medoro and Cloriando, Zerbino, Astolfo, Aquilante, Grifone, Sansonetto, Marfisa the Lady Knight, an as yet unnamed Black Knight        

Mages: None

Damsels: Angelica

Horses: None named

Swords: None named

Monsters: Man-Hating Lesbians

Magic Items: Marfisa’s Hell forged magic armor