Archive | July 30, 2013

You Live In A Heavy Metal Universe If…

… your advanced technology is extremely painful to use. Need to download a new app to your phone? Well, that’s easy. Just insert this eight inch spike into your right eye, and this barbed plug up your butt, and you should have it downloaded in a second.

… your spaceship’s engines are covered in sharp, spiky bits that A) whir about fast enough to dice the unsuspecting into bone jelly, B) bleed off gouts of energy, preferably lightning, to once more wreak havoc on the unsuspecting. Also, your engine should be experimental and preferably connected to some blighted hellscape nether dimension.

… you’re a pierced, extreme self-mutilating psychopath that can’t even speak in more than monosyllables because of all the blood-soaked rapeymcrape fantasies going on behind your eyes – but still you somehow manage to be as smart as a NASA engineer and capable of piloting a complicated piece of hi-tech machinery around the outer solar system in order to hunt your prey.

… HR only seems able to find crew members with dirty secrets, drug habits, dysfunctions, and/or unintergrated transgressive psycho-sexual proclivities.

… the aliens don’t just eat you – they probe you, inseminate you, eat their way out from inside you,  skin you, and then wear you around to their alien office parties like you’re some kind of outrageous tie.

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